


I won't take the blame

by fxlminare



Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [44]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bellamy Blake fanfiction, F/M, Heavy Angst, Song Lyrics, Song: Different Things (GRACEY), The 100 (TV) Season 1, The 100 (TV) Season 2, Unhealthy Relationships, bellamy blake angst, reader POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:15:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23459188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxlminare/pseuds/fxlminare
Summary: An angsty Bell fic based on the song Different Things by GRACEY?
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Reader
Series: BELLAMY BLAKE COLLECTION [44]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2110968
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	I won't take the blame

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** This came out way angstier and harsher than expected. Enjoy. Also, fic songs are so fun to write. Love them!

**I've been spending all my time, spending all my tie  
Get you out of my brain, get you out of my mind  
'Cause as soon as you're in my head  
I find you straight back in my bed**

I hadn't spoken to him in two weeks, avoiding him as much as I could; it had been easy with all the Mountain Men stuff going on but, once that was dealt with and people started to get back into a routine, I was forced to do the same. Lucky for me, Jasper was always around with a bottle of booze, more than willing to share and talk shit about him. He hated Bellamy probably as much as I did at that moment, toasting to never let him control us again. I was aware now of the awful relationship I had been forced into because, no, I hadn't wanted any of it, he had manipulated me into thinking it had all been me.

It had been going just fine for a couple more days, even allowing myself to join one of the celebrations, eating too much dessert and drinking way past my reasonable limit; I barely remembered what had happened, only flashes from that night. It had all been downhill after someone mentioned his name, going on a tangent of how much I hated him and it was like he heard me, like I summoned him. Next thing I knew, he was standing in front of me with a cup to match mine, his stupid smirk on his face. I wasn't even sure what I said or what he said but, the truth was, I woke up in his bed ashamed and with a killer headache. I got dressed as fast as I could, not even bothering to look at him, finding my boots the last and going to open the door when he decided to speak, making me flinch in both fear and guilt.

\- "You'll always come back to me."

**Why am I doing it to myself, doing it to myself?  
When I already know that you're bad for my health  
And giving in only makes it worse  
It's like I'm trying to get hurt**

_[Flashback]_

I wasn't sure how this had started; I wasn't sure I wanted either. But Bellamy and I had been so good together; at least I thought we were. We had started pretty casually, just talking, getting along easily and one thing eventually led to another and we ended up in my bed one night. It was great, it was awesome; I never thought it'd led to so much pain.

\- "Hey!"

I waved at him as I saw him walking out of his tent but he ignored me; I was certain he had seen me, his eyes stood on mine for a second before he walked away. I furrowed my eyebrows, allowing my hand to drop to my side, wondering what I had done wrong this time. _Maybe he really didn't see you._ Yeah, it had to be that. _Everything was fine last night, maybe he just woke up._ I decided to let it go, certain now that I was just making things up. I moved to my post for the day; I was on patrol duty for a couple of hours so I wouldn't be seeing much of him until I got out of my shift, but it was okay, every little moment I got with him made the wait worth it.

**And I know, I know it didn't work  
Though I tried everything to put you first  
I never quite got that in return, no**

Eventually done with my duties for the day, I walked around the camp, looking for him; I wasn't certain what it was about him but the longer I was away from him, the more I craved to be by his side. I finally found him coming out of his tent, holding the flap up for Becca, who came out looking like she had just had the time of her life, her eyes landing on me, winking at me before walking away. I furrowed my eyebrows, slightly taken aback but fastening my pace to get to him, watching him combing his hair.

\- "What was that?"

\- "What was what?"

\- "Becca." -I eyed him up and down.

\- "She needed help with something so I helped her like the leader I am." -he started walking away.

\- "With what?"

\- "Come on, Y/N, lighten up."

\- "Why are you avoiding my questions?" -I stopped dead in my tracks- "Are you sleeping with her?"

\- "When did you become so controlling?" -he scoffed, facing me- "And insecure? Do you not trust me? Is that what this really is? Are you trying to make me doubt everything about us?"

I was so confused; I didn't know what to answer because I couldn't manage to make sense of any of it. I just wanted to know.

\- "Are you trying to get me to break up with you?"

Now that took me by surprise. I didn't want that. I loved him and he knew it, so why would he even suggest such a thing. I shook my head, feeling the tears in my eyes, trying to remain calm not to make a scene in the middle of the camp.

\- "Come on." -he pulled his arm over my shoulders- "I need you to do something for me. You think you can do that?"

I nodded, allowing him to guide me through the place, rubbing my eyes and putting on a smile. We were still together and that was all that mattered right now.

**We just want different things  
I only wanted to love you  
But you made it fucking hard to  
We want different things  
We're never on the same page  
Guess you never felt the same way**  
  


I wanted to break everything around me, throw him a jar and watch the pieces break against his head. He was such an asshole. Two days. Two days we had been in Arkadia after the Grounders almost killed all of us and what was he doing? Partying, going out and not coming back to our room until he was drunk out of his mind, struggling to get in, sometimes even with a girl by his side. It exasperated me but I had made myself believe it was just a phase, just a temporary patch over his messed up emotions that he'd eventually manage to put back into place. But it wasn't. It got worse. And worse, until it exploded in my face.

\- "Okay so, Abbie gave me this for your headache and then we have to go and see..."

I opened the door to our room, having gone earlier that day to speak with Abbie to see if she could help me with him; I was thrilled to say she had given me a couple of things to try, efficiently improving my mood but everything I was carrying fell on the floor as soon as I turned from the door, tears forming in my eyes as I felt the glass cut my skin from holding the last bottle too tightly. I had left for 30 minutes, left him asleep and yet...

\- "Hey, Y/N!" -Becca waved at me from over him- "Ah, yes!" -she moaned as I felt my stomach turning upside down, putting my hand over my mouth- "Watch this, Y/N!"

I ran out of there, unable to stop the tears from falling, running into a couple of people as I wasn't seeing where I was going, finally falling to my knees at the end of a hushed corridor, pressing my back against the wall and pulling my knees to my chest, hiding my face in them and putting my arms over my head. What had I done wrong? Was I not a good girlfriend? Was I that bad at sex? Did he want something I couldn't give him? I wanted to scream my heart out but it was like my vocal cords had been slashed, my whole body hurt; I was certain death wouldn't hurt this much.

**I've been trying to move on, really trying to move on  
But I find it so hard, guess I ain't that headstrong  
And does it even affect you?  
Do you still think about me too?**

I had broken her nose and it had felt really good. I didn't care for the 24 hours I had been forced to kill in lockup or the looks everyone gave me. I couldn't touch Bellamy but Becca had played a part in this too, willingly, knowingly, completely aware of my feelings for him and our relationship's status. And she didn't care; in fact, I was certain she had enjoyed it. Well, I didn't care if my hand messed her perfect nose, I had enjoyed that myself. She could get that fixed but my heart would be a much harder task to deal with. Lucky for her.

Once I got out, my friends did come to look for me, asking too many questions that I wasn't ready to respond. But he didn't show up. Not that day or the one after. But I saw him, oh, yes I did, walking around camp like it was his. And he saw me too, eyeing me up and down before he moved his hand to his nose, mockingly. If he didn't carry a baton and a gun, I'd have thrown myself at him. I'd have lost still, but even managing to hit him in the slightest would have been a win for my broken spirit.

**Oh, I know, I know it didn't work  
Though I tried everything to put you first  
I never quite got that in return**

I looked at myself in the mirror. You'd think after 4 days I'd start looking like my usual self but I still looked like the Grounders had tortured me for weeks. I tried to do something with my hair, try to look like I knew what I was doing, pretend I was okay. _If her hair looks nice that has to mean she's okay, right? No one puts effort into their hair if they feel like shit._ That's what I hoped they'd think. Lucky for me, I didn't have to face many people that day, simply walking to Raven's office, waving hi at her as she was already absorbed by her work. Thankfully.

\- "Y/N..." -her voice startled me as she stood next to me out of nowhere, after a couple of minutes of peaceful silence- "Are you..."

\- "Don't ask me, please." -I tried to sound strong but I was certain I had failed as I saw her eyes softening, using her hands to move my chair around to face her completely- "I don't wanna lie."

\- "Come here."

She wrapped her arms around me, pulling my head over her abdomen and running her hands down my hair and that was it: I started crying again as if I hadn't been doing just that for the past 82 hours. She had only good things to say, helping me to the floor so that we could sit together, not letting go of me, not even to grab the water on the table to hand it to me, saying that, to let it all out, I had to cleanse my body and that the water would help with it. She wanted me to think of my tears as me getting rid of all the bad memories, the toxicity and the pain I felt; I wanted to believe it too.

\- "I... I just don't understand, Raven." -I sniffled, running my hand over my nose- "I just... I did everything he wanted, everything he asked and still..."

\- "Bellamy is a manipulative asshole." -she pulled my chin up- "This was not your fault, Y/N, don't let him break you like that."

\- "But..."

\- "Did he ever do anything for you? Something that wasn't for his own benefit." -I shook my head after thinking for a moment longer than I should have- "He likes control and he tricked you into thinking that was love. We'll get through this, I'll be right by your side."

**We just want different things  
I only wanted to love you  
But you made it fucking hard to  
We want different things  
We're never on the same page  
Guess you never felt the same way**

Everyone had been treating me so... carefully, like I'd break if they as so much as rose their voices around me. I hated it. I was not a child. But I also understood. It was a difficult situation; especially, now that Bellamy had established himself as a vital pillar of our community. Of course, he had to do just that. I had fallen for that pretentious lie of his, I had fallen for his 'good guy' façade like all the adults seemed to be doing just now, only I had been trapped into it. I had loved him like my life depended on it; it kind of did in a way for he made me believe I was only safe with him.

\- "How are you holding up?"

\- "Give me a gun and I'll show you."

I knew it was extreme and I knew I'd never manage to pull the trigger but that was how I felt; I wished I could hurt him half as bad as he had played me. I was so thankful for my friends who never doubted me or questioned whether Bellamy's version of the 'crazy girlfriend' was true. The audacity he had. But, the worst part of it all was that he knew I wouldn't manage to get back at him. It hurt me and I hated myself for it but I still felt something for him, for who he pretended to be when we first met.

**I keep remembering your hands on my skin  
The way you would feel when you would pull me in  
But then you stopped doing it  
And it tore me apart, that shit broke my heart  
To me it was love, to you it was all too much  
So I guess we just**

How did I not see it coming? He had been so affectionate at the beginning, so loving, so gentle... Always making sure I was alright, making sure I got rations and tucking me in to sleep whenever he was around my tent. I had fallen so hard for that façade but it had been so good. How did I miss the signs? How he stopped staying with me the whole night; how he stopped acknowledging me around the camp; how he only came to me when he wanted something. Fuck, I had been so fucking blind. He never wanted a relationship, he just craved to feel powerful over someone else and I had been the unlucky one to call his attention. It was so clear now. He ended it as soon as he saw I was too attached, more than he could handle; and why would he just break up with me with words like a normal person with some common sense would do when he could watch me break, humiliate me in front of his new trophy, in front of all his friends every time I walked around. 

_[End of flashback]_

**We just want different things  
I only wanted to love you  
But you made it fucking hard to  
We want different things  
We're never on the same page  
Guess you never felt the same way  
**

I got out of the ship the next morning, determined to make that day better than the last. I was tired of the heartbroken feeling in my chest but I knew I'd need time to heal for I had felt too much, too deep and too soon. I guess I was just... too much. Everything seemed calm outside, the sun had barely come out and the breeze was still cold as it caressed my face. I closed my eyes, I wanted to stay like that, to only feel how I felt at that moment: at peace and alive. I smiled to myself, opening my eyes and looking around; my biggest mistake that day. It wasn't hard to land eyes on Bellamy for there was barely anyone else out that morning, but he wasn't alone, of course not: he had his arm wrapped around the waist of a blonde girl. And that would have been fine; it wouldn't have hurt if it weren't for how she turned to him and how he basically devoured her lips, forcing her against him, his hands landing on her ass.

I ran away from there. I didn't know where I was going for I was trapped in the new cell that Arkadia had become but that didn't stop my feet from pulling me away, as far as they could, not stopping until my hands hit the cold metal of the ship; it hurt, but it could have been worse, I could have run directly into the electric barrier and electrocuted myself. Maybe that'd have been easier. I sat on the floor, looking at the deepest part of the forest, resting my back against the ship, looking up, seeing the birds flying. I felt so small. But, no matter how I felt, the world would keep moving with our without me in it. I sighed. I wanted to be there; I wanted to be part of this place. I moved my hands to my lap, playing with my fingers. But I still wanted him.

_**Come back** _

**Author's Note:**

> ****
> 
> **I hope everyone's safe and that none of us will have to undergo such a toxic and manipulative relationship. Cheers to ourselves, to freedom and healthy love.**  
> 


End file.
